I hope whoever I marry is ready to have a ton of sex all the time.
a guide to uk cities for foreign people
- manchester: gays. you will probably get mugged.
- liverpool: like manchester, but less gay. you will definitely get mugged.
- newcastle: probably quite good for canadians as exists in permafrost and has never left the 90s.
- leeds: it's a lot cheaper than london
- bradford: leeds but awful
- nottingham: gun death capital of the uk!
- derby: intense rivalry with nottingham, literally no one else in the country or world gives any f*cks about this.
- hull: violently resist anyone who attempts to take you here
- leicester: i'm not sure this is a real place
- york: this is an illustration from the top of a christmas biscuit assortment
- birmingham: NO.
- brighton & hove: more gays. is only a pretend city. mild to moderate chance of mugging. contains some deeply annoying hippies. basically if san francisco was british.
- portsmouth: there is literally nothing here.
- southampton: exactly the same as portsmouth but smells of off milk
- bristol: you have a 1 in 10 chance of ending up in a bbc recording. everyone sounds like a farmer or bob marley.
- cardiff: you have a 1 in 5 chance of ending up in a bbc recording, and a 1 in 3 chance of being glassed.
- plymouth: post apocalyptic wind tunnel full of drunk sailors pissing on depressed hookers. do not enter.
- penzance: everyone here is from london now.
- london: no one from london is actually from london and even breathing is expensive.
- cambridge: windy and full of equal amounts of homeless drug addicts and public schoolboys. the junkies are nicer.
- oxford: same number of c***s as cambridge but easier to escape from due to all-night bus to london
- edinburgh: a goth turned into a city. basically london but slightly more scottish.
- glasgow: it is impossible to tell whether people are angry or happy.
- aberdeen: las vegas at the point when vegas starts crying uncontrollably
- belfast: do not order "an irish car bomb" OR "a black and tan" here.
- wolverhampton: really, really don't.
- norwich: count people's fingers. mutations walk here.
- coventry: like plymouth, bombed flat in ww2. like plymouth, failed to take the hint. like plymouth: do not alight here.
- wells: so tiny and filled with country bumpkins that it got used as the setting for the VILLAGE in hot fuzz. there is also a suspiciously low crime rate...
- worcester: a blend between pretty tudor houses, ugly 60s buildings, forests, and sauce.
Dear Future Daughter:
1) When you’re at some party, chain smoking on the roof with some strange girl with blue hair and exorbitant large dark eyes, ask her about her day. I promise you, you won’t regret it. Often times you’ll find the strangest of people have the most captivating of stories to tell.
2) Please, never mistake desire for love. Love will engulf your soul, whilst desire will emerge as acid, slowly making it’s way through your veins, gradually burning you from the inside out.
3) No one is going to fucking save you, anything you’ve read or heard otherwise is bullshit.
4) One day a boy is going to come along who’s touch feels like fire and who’s words taste like vanilla, when he leaves you, you will want to die. If you know anything at all, know that it is only temporary.
5) Your mental health comes before school baby, always. If its midnight, and you have an exam the next day but your hands have been shaking for the past hour and a half and you’re not so sure you want to be alive anymore, pull out that carton of Ben and Jerry’s and afterwards, go the fuck to bed. So what if you get a 68% on the exam the next day? You took care of yourself and at the end of the day that will always come before a high test score. To hell with anyone who tells you differently.